Four Things Every Married Couple Needs To Do

I'm not an expert on marriage or a master at being married but, over the years, I've been given some very good advice on marriage (I won't take any credit for these ideas).  If you've been married longer than your honeymoon, you know that being married is hard.  When you take one sinner and join them with another sinner, you get more sin.  

Here are four suggestions on how avoid tension and grow the relationship:

#1 - Go Through Financial Peace University

Everyone knows that money is one of the leading causes of divorce, frustration, and stress.  Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University offers a plan on how to have a peace with your finances.  He offers some very reasonable and practical advice on how to handle budgeting, debt, saving, investing, and preparing for emergencies.  

Ramsey's plan is very conservative and narrow. He's not trying to help you get rich quick. For this reason, he has his critics. However, the reason people resonate with his material is the "P" word in the middle, PEACE.  

Ramsey offers a plan which will give you peace as a married couple, and as an individual in regards to finances.

If Financial Peace University is out of your price range, you can check out his book The Total Money Makeover: Classic Edition: A Proven Plan for Financial Fitness for under $15.

#2 - Make Rules For When You Fight

When my wife and I got engaged, I just happened to be taking a Bible college class on marriage and family.  There was an entire class on how to have disagreements.  The advice seemed so practical and obvious. Yet I know so many people who violated the principles. The big idea, you have to have rules for how you fight.

Think about it! UFC Fighters are paid money to try and hurt another person, and they have dozens of rules on what you can and can't do.  Married couples have committed to love a person for the rest of their life, but they have absolutely no rules for when a fight breaks out.  And, unlike what you were told as a child, words can hurt someone for a lifetime. 

Here are some suggestions (none of these are sophisticated, just good old fashioned wisdom):

• Don't say things you don't mean
• Avoid words like "Always" and "Never"
• Never say something to hurt the other person
• Don't treat their past mistakes as ammunition
• Don't keep bringing up the past (and if there is an on-going pattern, address it as a problem to solve, not ammunition against their character)
• Don't yell at each other
• Don't start a disagreement while emotional (set a timer and come back an hour later when you've calmed down)

As I'm writing this, I'm thinking about how I may need a refresher in this area.  

#3 - Have a Frequent Date Night Without the Kids

Life is busy and hectic, and it gets even more difficult when you throw kids into the mix.  When life gets crazy, it's very easy for your spouse to turn into your roommate who helps drive the kids around.  Your spouse needs to be your lover and best friend.  When you were dating, that didn't accidentally happen, you worked to build intimacy and to get to know the person.  Once you're married, you have to keep fighting for the relationship.  

When life becomes most hectic, that is exactly when it's most important to fight for the relationship.

MORE TIPS:

• Do something where you actually talk to each other (dinner and a movie is a good date night.  Just a movie is not a good date night for this purpose)
• Don't talk about the kids
• Don't talk about your schedule and plans (unless it's quick)
• Talk to each other about things you're interested in

Different periods in your life will allow for different frequencies.  As newlyweds you probably have a lot more freedom to have date nights, and it's a great time for you to develop a deep relationship before kids enter the picture.  It's more difficult to have date nights when the kids get older, but it's essential that your role as parents doesn't rob your relationship as spouses.  The best gift you can give your kids is to actually love each other.

#4 - Have a Weekend Without Your Kids Each Year

This is a follow up to the previous point.  Now that I have a one year old, I know that being away from your children for a weekend is tough (both planning wise and emotionally).  However, long-term, your marriage needs frequent and large deposits in the relational bank.  Date nights give frequent small deposits in the relational bank, but weekends alone provide large deposits.  

You need annual blocks of time where you only have to relate to each other as spouse and not as parents.  Kids provide amazing amounts of joy and stress.  Kids create constant important urgency, and urgency creates stress.  Growing as spouses is extremely important, but it only feels urgent when marital problems arise.  Marital problems arise because you don't do the important thing of growing as spouses.  Having a weekend without the kids gives you a block of time where the urgency of children are removed and you're given the freedom to just invest in each other.

This doesn't have to be a vacation. This can simply mean scheduling a marathon sleep over for the kids or sending them off to the grandparents'.  

What are your big tips on how to have peace in marriage?

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