Four Ways to be a Better Wife Today

I feel a bit weird writing a post on how to be a better wife.  So, instead of just voicing my opinions, I'll attempt to base my points on verses in the Bible.  This post was meant to be posted the day after this post:  Five Ways to be a Bad Husband in 2014. So as you read this, it's meant to be read as part of a two part series for husbands and wives. Hopefully I was a lot harder on guys than girls.

Respect Your Husband (Ephesians 5:33, Proverbs 31:23)

Ephesians 5

33 However, each one of you also must love

his wife as he loves himself, and 

the wife must respect her husband.

Most times, when we consider the words "love" and "respect," we think of them as uncontrollable responses.  I respect you if you're respectable.  I either love you, or I don't.

But, if that were the case, the Bible couldn't command us to love and respect.  While there are people we naturally respect and love, there's an element of personal action when it comes to loving and respecting.  

Webster defines respect this way:

re·spect

: a feeling of admiring someone or something that is good, valuable, important, etc.

: a feeling or understanding that someone or something is important, serious, etc., and should be treated in an appropriate way

: a particular way of thinking about or looking at something

While our feelings can be complicated things that we're not always the best at controlling, we can control where we put our focus and how we communicate with a person.

• Do you focus on his strengths or his weaknesses?
• Are you faster to critique or compliment?
• How do you talk about your husband with other people?
• Are you his biggest champion or his harshest critique?
• When he's feeling insecure, are you the best person in the world for him to turn to?
• Is there any area where you're in awe of your husband?

What If You Have Reason to Not Respect Your Husband?

The harsh reality of life is that not all husbands are going to be respectable at all times. Whether through moral or professional failings, your respect for your husband can fade.  

If your husband isn't worthy of respect, do you just pretend to respect him? 

Obviously, there's no simple, quick answer to that question.  In any situation where you transition from vowing to spend the rest of your life with someone, to later finding yourself unable to respect them, something big must have happened. In that case, the most important thing you can do is work to restore your relationship.  That will likely involve some amount of counseling for one or both of you.  

But, as for what can you do now, return to being his biggest champion.  If it's a moral failure, do everything in your power to help him and empower him to change.  If it's a professional thing, make sure he knows that you believe in him and his ability.  

The big thing is that he needs to know that you believe there is a better version of him, and you'll do everything you can to help him become the version of himself that he wants to become.

Trust Your Husband (Ephesians 5:22-24)

Ephesians 5

22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands 

as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is 

the head of the wife as Christ is the

 head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 

24 Now as the church submits to Christ, 

so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Submission has become a bad word in our culture.  The word has become associated with fear and force.  But, the Bible promotes mutual submission in marriage.  Biblical submission isn't based on fear or force, but trust. 

Ephesians 5 likens marriage to Christ's relationship with the Church.  The Church submits to Christ's leadership, but this isn't based on fear or force; this is based on knowing that Christ sacrificially loves His Church, and He wants the best for Her.  This is the relationship wives are supposed to have with their husbands.

• Do you fight all of his decisions?
• Do you take you mother or sister's side over your husbands?
• Do you trust the advice of your friends and family over your husbands?

What If You Can't Trust Your Husband?

As it turns out, no marriage has two perfect spouses.  Some husbands behave in a manner which is untrustworthy, and sometimes spouses will have wildly different belief systems.  I grew up in a household with a mother who ran the children's ministry at the church, and an alcoholic father who didn't believe in God.  This naturally created an environment where it was difficult for my mother to trust and submit to my father.

Don't Be a Nag (Proverbs 21:9, 27:15-16)

Proverbs 21

9 

Better to live on a corner of the roof 

than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.

It's interesting to me that, 3,000 years later, husbands are still frustrated by a nagging wife.  Of all the ways we've progressed, wives still have a reputation for nagging their husband, and husbands still don't like it. 

Once again, let's go to Webster to define our terms.

nag

 noun

: Horse, especially: one that is old or in poor condition

That's probably not the right definition for this discussion.  Let's try another....

nag

 verb

: to annoy (someone) by often complaining about his or her behavior, appearance, etc.

: to annoy (someone) with repeated questions, requests, or orders

It appears that husbands do not like it when their wives keep repeating questions, requests, or complaints.  I totally understand why wives drift towards these techniques.  Husbands can be both lazy and passive.  If they're not pulling their weight in the marriage, you do what you need to do. However, if you're doing something which drives your husband crazy, that's probably not a great technique.  

Here are three suggestions to avoid nagging:

Clear Communication

Make sure, when you make a request of your husband or ask a question that he's actually paying attention.  I can only speak for myself, but I know that I often give answers to questions while focused on something else. This always go badly.  I agree to do something, or say I'm free but, in actuality, I haven't considered the original question to any meaningful level.

If you truly have a question or request of your husband, make sure that you have his full attention and he is processing what you're saying.  If you have something you want him to do, he needs to understand the weight behind the request. This requires clear communication.  

Clear Expectations

If you're expecting something of your husband, he needs to know.  If you're making a serious request, he needs to understand what you're expecting.  This is true for any environment where you are making a request of another person.  People on both sides need to know what is expected of them.

Clear Deadlines

It's not enough that you tell your husband what you would like him to do, but it's vital you agree on when it should be accomplished.  This is often where the nagging starts. He's asked to do something.  He really thinks he's going to do it, but he doesn't do it within your time frame.  So, you ask him about it...again...and again...and again.  Not surprisingly, this doesn't go over well.  Now, you're asking him to do something that he intends to do, and you're annoying him.  That's not a great combination.

If you both have an open discussion where you agree on what and when he needs to do something, you transfer responsibility from yourself to him.  If he doesn't do what both of you agreed upon, that is on him.  You're not a nag.  He has been lazy.  If you confront him about not doing what he said he would do, that's on him not you.

Do Something Uniquely Good for Your Husband Every Day (Proverbs 31:12)

Proverbs 31

12 

She brings him good, 

not harm, all the days of her life.

This one is really simple.  Do something good for your husband every day.

Imagine if every single year you did 365 good things for your husband every single every.  They don't have to be life changing.  They don't have to be shocking.  What if every single day you did something for your husband that made him know you care about him in a unique way?


Here's the reality: whether you're a husband or a wife, these suggestions can help any spouse.  These verses are aimed at wives, but they'll make you a better husband as well.

Be a better spouse in 2014!


What are your recommendations for how someone can be a better wife today?


If you liked this post, here is the post I wrote for husbands: