Fighting With Your Spouse! Eight Rules of Engagement for Conflict!

Marriage is a recipe for disaster!

You take two sinners: join their lives, finances, and living space together.  What could possibly go wrong? It's been said many times before that marriage is hard.  This shouldn't surprise us.  When two sinners spend enough time around one another, there will be conflict.  Sinner + Sinner = More sin.  Still, this is God's plan for most people. In fact, early on, God made it clear, "It's not good for man to be alone" (Genesis 2:18).

The reality is that your ability to navigate conflict can either make your marriage stronger or tear it apart. Establishing the ability to fight for the relationship when there is a fight will transform your relationship.

Every conflict is an opportunity to establish new boundary lines for the kingdom of God! 

Here are two principles and eight rules of engagement for when conflict comes up in your marriage*:

[*The content of this blog post is from my pastor's sermon from this morning. The sermon series is based off of the series Climate Change from North Point Church. These are not Sean Chandler original ideas.]

PRINCIPLE #1 | Be Loyal

No one plans on their wedding day to have an early divorce. They just don't plan not to. While I have heard a few stories of people changing their vows to saying things like, "As long as our love shall last," most of us used the far more romantic, "Until death do us part."  On your wedding day, you fully intended to keep your commitment to make your spouse as happy as you possibly could.  Unfortunately, when conflict strikes, we can quickly lose sight of our commitment to love our spouse.  Instead of aiming to reconcile, the focus shifts to winning.  

If you pause, step back, and think about that, it makes absolutely no sense.  When you married your spouse, you joined teams with them.  If they lose, you lose.  YOU'RE ON THE SAME TEAM!  It only makes sense that you would be loyal to them.  

Your goal isn't to win, it's to reconcile!

Here are four ways to be loyal when in disagreement:

Start With a Commitment to Work Through Instead of Run From  (Matthew 18:15-17)

Depending on your personality type, you may love, hate, or feel uncomfortable during conflict.  When there is a conflict in your marriage, it is vital that you're willing to work through the conflict.  Simply ignoring the conflict or becoming a passive doormat is unhealthy for your relationship.  

Instead of running from an uncomfortable conversation, you need to be willing to address conflict. 

In Marriage, Refuse to See An Exit  (Matthew 19:5-6)

Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.

When Jennifer and I were dating, we lived over 1,000 miles apart.  Luckily, we were dating in the era of cell phones with free long distance.  For us to have a relationship, we had to talk on the phone, and rarely saw each other in person.  To be willing to put that much effort into maintaining a long-distance relationship, we had to be sure that we were working toward the same thing.  Because of this, from very early in our relationship we were having pretty heavy conversations about marriage and goals in life.  One of the things that came out of this was a clear understanding that neither one of us ever saw divorce as an option.  We never joke about divorce.  We never threaten divorce.  It's not an option.  It's not a joke.  It's an idea which both of us view as poison even in idea form if it enters either one of our minds.

Therefore, when conflict enters our marriage, there are only two options: (1) Resolve the conflict and be happy, (2) Ignore the conflict and be miserable.
Since most of us want to be happy, by removing divorce as an option, you naturally incline yourself towards resolving conflict.

In Marriage, Go to Bed With Your Toes Touching   (Ephesians 4:26)

Ephesians 4:26 “In your anger do not sin” Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.

This one may sound a bit strange at first, but the idea is simple: Never leave a conflict at a place where you can't retire the night by cuddling in bed.  

If you're mad at someone, it's difficult to snuggle with them.  You don't want to touch them. You don't want to look at them. You don't want to talk to them.  This might seem obvious, but that's a really bad place to end the day with someone...especially if you share a bed with them.

Some conflicts are big enough that you won't resolve every nuance by bed time, but you can resolve the relational conflict.  You might not resolve all the issues, but you can resolve the relationship.

Assume the Best  (1 Corinthians 13:7)

1 Corinthians 13:7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

In marriage, your spouse will fail to meet some of your expectations.  

• Your husband will come home late from work without calling...even when you've told him to call!
• Your wife will fail to do your laundry...even though you told her you were out of whites!
• Your husband will forget your anniversary!

When there is a gap between what you expected and what they deliver, you choose what you put in the gap.  Love chooses to fill the gap with trust by believing the best.  Suspicion chooses to assume the worst.  

Believing the best naturally diffuses the situation.  Assuming the worst escalates the situation and grows the tension.  Instead of starting with an accusation, ask them what happened in a non-judgmental, non-abrasive manner.  

PRINCIPLE #2 - Be Kind!

1 Corinthians 13:4 Love is patient, love is kind.

I haven't done any research on this, but I would guess that 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 is the single passage most likely to be read during a wedding.  Possibly it has been shared at more weddings than any other passage from any book in human history.  

Why?  It's the LOVE passage!

And how does the passage start off?  Love is patient, love is kind.

Somehow, when we find ourselves in conflict with the person we have chosen to love more than anyone else on the planet, we can abandon both our patience and our kindness.

Here are four rules to keep you kind when there is conflict:

Don't Use Explosive Terms  (Proverbs 12:18, 18:21)

Proverbs 12:18 The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

A sure-fire way to transition a mild conflict to a heated debate is to use explosive terms.  There are two big ways we use explosive terms:

1. "You" statements - A great way to escalate a conflict is to make an accusation.
2. Absolute statements:

• "You never..."
• "You always..."
• "Every time..."
• "No one..."
• "Everyone..."

Absolute terms usually explode in your face because they're obviously not true.  When you're in the midst of a disagreement, people generally don't like it when you state things which are absolute accusations which aren't true.  

Don't Use Abusive Speech  (Ephesians 4:29)

Don't say things you don't mean!

In conflict, you never want to say something for the purpose of hurting the other person.  Once again, if your goal is resolve the issue, there's no reason you would ever want to hurt the other person.  

I've known people who were quick to take the gloves off as soon as conflict came up.  The husband and the wife just lashed out at the person whom they committed to love for their entire life.  For all the obvious reasons, this is incredibly unwise.  But, consider this- as time passes, each of you will forget the specific conflict but, if you say something to hurt your spouse, they will remember your words.  And more words can't take back hurtful words.

Don't say anything you don't mean!

Don't say anything which will cause damage!

Don't say anything which will cause future relational conflict!

Proverbs 18:21 The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.

Don't Interrupt  (Proverbs 18:13)

Proverbs 18:13 Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish.

If your goal is to reconcile, you must understand where the other person is coming from.  To understand where they are coming from, you have to stop to listen.  While they are talking, listen to them. Don't spend your time coming up with the ultimate comeback.  Listen for the purpose of understanding.

It's really rude to interrupt a person.  When you interrupt a person when there is already conflict, you pour gas on a fire. 

Attack the Problem, Not the Person  (Romans 12:10, 1 Peter 5:9-10)

Conflict is inevitable, but bitterness and hurt feelings are not. It's possible to have serious conflict when it comes to an issues without having relational conflict.  But, it requires that each person is working towards the same goal: to solve the problem. 

When conflict comes up, throw all of your energy towards solving the problem.  It's possible to fight for your relationship while in the midst of a fight in your relationship.  In order to do so, you must focus on the issues, and not attack one another.