Candace Cameron Bure (or as you know her, D.J. Tanner, from Full House) has found herself in her own little mini-scandal. Her words didn't divide the nation like Phil Robertson's but, according to the internet (and I believe everything I read on the internet), she has set women back somewhere between 100 and 1,000,000,000 years. Her brother, Kirk Cameron, is no stranger to controversy, but I don't think he's ever been accused of setting anything back 1,000,000,000 years, let alone a 100.
Just look at what the internet had to say!
While several of these are just random comments or Tweets from the internet, the top Tweet came from a national brand whose Twitter account has over a million followers.
Well, she wrote a book, and was interviewed by the Huffington Post.
What Did She Do?
Several days ago, she was interviewed by the Huffington Post while promoting her new book Balancing It All: My Story of Juggling Priorities and Purpose
. In the book, she mentions how she chooses to submit to her husband, and how he gets the final say.Here is the specific quote:
"I quickly learned that I had to find a way of honoring his take-charge personality and not get frustrated about his desire to have the final decision on just about everything. I am not a passive person, but I chose to fall into a more submissive role in our relationship because I wanted to do everything in my power to make my marriage and family work.”
The interviewer read the specific section of the book, and pointed out the obvious fact saying she submits to her husband is a controversial statement in this day and age.
Her response:
“I love that my man is a leader. I want him to lead and be the head of the family and those decisions, major decisions, do fall on him. ...It doesn’t mean I don’t voice my opinion. It doesn’t mean I don’t have an opinion. I absolutely do. But it is very difficult to have two heads of authority.”
“The definition that I’m using with submissive is the biblical definition... It’s meekness. It is not weakness. It’s strength under control. It’s bridled strength.”
The interviewer then asked if she would let her husband make a bad decision, even at the detriment to the family.
She replied:
"Uhh yeah. Yeah. But obviously I will make my opinion very clear. And clearly I have been married for 17 years, and we have a very happy marriage that works very well. I trust my husband, but that trust has been built." She then explains how because she trusts him, respects him, and builds him up, "He so listens to everything I have to say and takes my opinion very seriously."
That's it! There's nothing more.
To summarize:
- She's been happily married for 17 years.
- She has three kids.
- One of the reasons their marriage works is because she trusts her husband and submits (based on the biblical definition) to his leadership when there is a disagreement.
SHE JUST SET WOMEN BACK A BILLION YEARS!
You can watch the interview these powerful words HERE (I couldn't figure out how to embed the video).
The Weirdest Scandal of All-Time
So, once you get past the obvious hyperbole of those claiming she's sending women back in time, there are two really big reasons this whole thing is ridiculous:- She's a childhood actor who grew up to be a well adjusted adult
- She's an actress that has been married for 17 years
I know that news media loves to discover ways to spin everything into news, but this has got to be the lamest scandal I've ever read in my life. Normally, they report on child actors having public meltdowns or drug addictions, but this scandal is all about how they disagree with how she's grown up to be a well adjust adult with a healthy marriage.
Put this fully in context...
You don't even have to look beyond her younger television sisters on Full House. Jodie Sweetin was addicted to meth and alcohol, and she's been divorced three times. As a point of reference, Jodie is my age. Mary-Kate Olsen likewise struggled with an eating disorder.
One daughter from the show has been divorced three times, and another has been married for 17 years. So, why are we treating the one who successfully transitioned into adult life like a menace to society?
STILL MARRIED
Another piece of common knowledge is that Hollywood marriages don't last. Where normal people measure their marriage by years, in Hollywood you can measure marriages by months.
As a point of reference, here is a list of celebrities who had marriages which lasted fewer months than Candace Cameron has been married years:
- Pamela Anderson
- Drew Barrymore 2x
- Sophia Bush
- Chad Michael Murray
- James Caan
- Nicolas Cage
- Jim Carrey
- Lauren Holly
- Shannen Doherty
- Patty Duke
- Kelsey Grammer
- Woody Harrelson
- Kim Kardashian
- Joan Rivers
- Charlie Sheen
- Britney Spears
- Renee Zellweger
Why on earth would you criticize the marriage of a person who has been married for 17 years while in the entertainment industry?
An Upside Down World
If you want to get an idea of just how backwards the Huffington Post can be, here is a screen cap of the YOU MAY LIKE recommendations on the article about her marriage.
The link is to an interview conducted by the same woman that said Candace Cameron's views were controversial, where she's interviewing a married couple who make porn. She DOESN'T call it controversial. She DOESN'T question their behavior. She DOESN'T ask any of the hard questions that she asked Candace Cameron.
To simplify, according to the Huffington Post...
- If you trust your husband enough to submit to him, that's controversial
- If you and your husband make porn, that's an interesting example of cultural progress
I did not make this up. I actually didn't even notice it until I had written this entire post already (well, except this section, obviously). I'm literally sitting here, floored by it.
When Did Submission Become a Curse Word?
Our culture has so over-valued independence and re-defined equality that suddenly "submission" has become a curse word.
The section of the interview that comes off the most controversial is when she says that she will submit to her husband even if she believes it will be to the detriment of her family. I read several articles which actually took that quote and used it as the headline.
On the surface, that really does come off like an unhealthy balance of power in the marriage. But allowing someone to make a decision you disagree with is the DEFINITION of submitting! If she only submitted when she agreed with him, that's not submission.
Submission isn't submission until there is a disagreement!
Submitting to someone you love and trust isn't a bad thing.
Submission is an Act of Trust
I think the thing which concerns me most about those who took great offense at her words is that it says a great deal about how much they trust their spouses. You need to be able to trust your spouse's decisions.
This works both ways.
- A husband who doesn't factor in his wife's opinion doesn't trust her.
- A wife who can't submit to her husband's decisions doesn't trust him.
If there are trust issues on either person's part, you need to work to repair the damage.
If you listen to the full interview, and don't cherry-pick quotes, it's very clear that Candace and her husband talk through their decisions. He listens to her. He wants to hear her opinion. He respects her opinion. She has a say in what is happening. She can change his mind. She said that even sometimes when they disagree, he will still sway in her direction because he trusts her opinion so much. BUT, at the end of the day, even if they disagree, she will trust his decision.
Perhaps that is the real secret to their marriage (well, besides being Christians trying to have a biblical marriage): they trust each other. She trusts her husband with her life.
There's something incredibly powerful about having a relationship where you can trust them even when you disagree with them.
I think I'll write more on my view of Biblical submission in marriage in the next couple of days.
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