Five Ways to be a Bad Husband in 2014!

No one plans to hurt the love of their life.
No one plans to violate their vows.
No one plans to be a bad husband.
They just don't plan not to.

It's a new year, and with new years come opportunities for change.  My question for you is, do you want to be a great or an awful husband this year?  The choice is yours for 2014.

Use Your Wife To Get What You Want

One of the best ways to sabotage your own marriage is to forget that your role is love and serve your wife.  Happy marriages feature both a husband and a wife who are doing their absolute best to make the OTHER PERSON as happy as is possible.  So, if you want to be a bad spouse, try and manipulate the other person to serve you.

Or...if you want a happy marriage...

Love Your Wife Sacrificially!

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

A good husband puts his wife before himself.  He chooses daily to sacrifice for his wife and for his family.  What most people call love is better called infatuation.  It's a feeling that flutters away with the passing seasons of life, or it's a performance-based love which demands that you give me something or else I won't give you anything.

True love is a daily choice to sacrifice my comfort for your comfort.  It's a daily choice to put the other person first.  Our example of love is Christ's love for mankind.  He stepped out of Heaven into one of the less pleasant times in human history.  He lived a humble life, and died a humiliating death.  Why?  To restore His relationship with mankind.  We owed a debt, and He paid the price.  He sacrificed.

Where do you need to sacrifice in your marriage?

Disrespect Your Wife and Never be Considerate of Her Feelings

I know, in the Chandler house, I can often default to logic mode.  I have my expectations for how things should work, and my view is entirely in the vacuum of my mind.  There's little consideration for what might actually be happening in the real world.

So, when it comes to making decisions, I often forget to factor in where my wife is coming from, and the world where she exists.  Sometimes it's not just lack of consideration, but downright disrespect. If I want to resolve things, I have to stop myself, step back, and reconsider where she's coming from.

One of the best ways to escalate a fight is to never factor in your spouse's feelings and show obvious contempt for where they're coming from.  Disrespecting someone's feelings is a great way to cause strife between the two of you.

Or...if you want a happy marriage....

Be Considerate and Respectful of Your Wife

1 Peter 3

7 Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives,

con·sid·er·ate

 adjective From Webster.com

: thinking about the rights and feelings of other people : showing kindness toward other people

We all know what the word considerate means. If we took a test, we would get the answer right. Even a terrible husband KNOWS that they're supposed to be considerate.  

So, why don't we do it on a daily basis?

• Why don't we think about our wives' feelings when a disagreement comes up?
• Why don't we find a way to show kindness daily?
• Why don't we think about the small things in life that they care about?  

Maybe you don't care at all which way the toilet paper comes off the rolls (or, in the Chandler house, I don't care if the roll is replaced), but if she cares, DO IT HER WAY.  Put her preferences in front of your own!

Be considerate of the things that she values!

Turn Every Small Disagreement Into a Dragged Out Fight

Life is filled with little disagreements.

There are many different ways to respond when things don't go the way you would like them to go.  For example, if the shoes aren't put away, you can quickly clean them up yourself, or you can lose your temper.  If you're looking for additional disharmony, losing your temper is a great to build tension.  If your goal is to be a bad husband, it's absolutely essential that you treat small frustrations with the same emotion that you treat big failures.  Everything gets so much worse when you totally blow things way out of proportion.

If you want an added bonus amount of trouble, be really harsh with her.  That always does lots of damage.

Or...if you want a happy marriage....

Avoid Unnecessary Fights & Disagreements

Proverbs 20

3  It is to one’s honor to avoid strife,
    but every fool is quick to quarrel.

Colossians 3

19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

Life has enough real drama.  Why are we so quick to create trouble when there is none?

I know for me, I tend to be extremely moody when I come home from work, or when it's late at night.  All of our dumbest fights conveniently happen right when I come home from work, or around mid-night.  I'm just cranky around those times.  The results are never good.  

TIP

When you find yourself in a situation that is escalating...PAUSE.  

Take 30 minute break and come back when emotions have dropped.  

During the break, DON'T spend the time coming up with better arguments.  Spend the entire break either reminding yourself about all the wonderful things about your spouse, or coming up with the most generous reasons for their current behavior that you can. 

All fights go much better when you're trying to resolve the conflict instead of win!

Treat Your Wife Like a Roommate

For me, the older I get, the busier I get.  Between ministry, parenting, blogging, and being a husband, there's always multiple things in competition with one another.  Eventually, something has to give.

A great way to ruin your marriage is to stop enjoying each other's company and start treating each other like roommates.  Instead of continuing to date one another, start just living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, and living separate lives.  Whenever you do go on dates, spend the entire time talking about money, scheduling, your job, and your kids.  Don't spend time just having fun and hanging out.

Or...if you want a happy marriage....

Enjoy Your Wife

Ecclesiastes 9

9 Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, 

Sometimes I love how incredible simple and obvious the advise in the Bible can be.  ENJOY LIFE WITH YOUR WIFE...WHOM YOU LOVE!   Just think about how absurd it is that we actually have to be reminded of that.  When we were dating, this is what attracted us to one another.  We had fun together!

Then, life happens...promotions, kids, responsibilities, volunteering...suddenly we forget to enjoy the love of our life.  It doesn't help any that there are so many cheap and easy distractions around us.  NetFlix makes it too easy to binge watch TV.  SmartPhones and Tablets make it easy to share a room with the love of your life without actually engaging with them.

Keep enjoying life with your wife!

It's interesting to me how many of the verses written to husbands keep reminding them to LOVE their wives.  It seems husbands have struggled to love for as long as they've been married.

Ignore All Your Wife Does and Never Say "Thank You"

Our culture has totally unrealistic expectations for women.  They must look perfect, keep up the house, raise the kids, serve in the church, and make money.  Most women are crazy busy trying to juggle far too many roles.  If you want your wife to feel extremely unimportant, never acknowledge all that she's doing or thank her for her work.  When you don't acknowledge what she does, she feels unnoticed.  When you never say "Thank you," she doesn't feel like you appreciate her.  This is a great recipe for a damaged marriage.


Or...if you want a happy marriage...

Honor and Thank Your Wife For All She Does

Proverbs 31

31 Honor her for all that her hands have done,
    and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Whether in the workforce or as a stay-at-home-mom, so much of what wives do goes unnoticed and is under-appreciated.  We live in a culture which devalues raising a family and work around the house, and which praises making money.

I would give you a list of all the things around our house that I'm not sure that I know how to do, but it would be little bit too embarrassing.  While technically there is currently only one child in our household, when it comes to certain chores, it's a bit more like there's two (to be fair, I do have my own category of things which only I know how to do).

THANK YOUR WIFE FOR ALL SHE DOES! CONSTANTLY!

Make her feel appreciated!  This isn't rocket science.  People who feel unappreciated don't tend to feel good about themselves nor are they highly motivated.  Make your wife feel appreciated!

LAST THOUGHTS

Obviously, I want you to have a great marriage in 2014.  It's so interesting to me how easy it is to take your wife for granted.  What comes so naturally when we're dating can quickly become forgotten in marriage.  

Love your wife.  

Enjoy your wife.

Pursue your wife.  

Date your wife.

Serve your wife.
Praise your wife.
Compliment your wife.

Let this be the year your marriage is better than ever!

If you you'd like more to read on how to have a great marriage check out Mark and Grace Driscoll's book Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together.

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